It's 12:01 AM and I'm suddenly motivated to start a blog? I have a lot on my mind, and a lot I want to write about. Turns out I miss college and writing my homework assignments after all.
"Go therefore and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, teaching them to observe all that I have commanded you. And behold, I am with you always, to the end of the age."
I should probably introduce myself. I graduated college seven months ago, which seems crazy and a bit unreal. And now I'm getting ready to move overseas in two months and live there for two years. Which seems even crazier and more unreal, and I suppose I'm freaking out just a bit.
I'm not going to lie, the doubts and overwhelm have started to come on strong. I'm overwhelmed by the visa process, and scared I'll get rejected, while at the same time almost secretly hoping I'll get rejected? I'm tired of fundraising, and while I'm pretty sure I'll be done soon, I'm scared it'll take me longer to finish than I expect. And the thought of learning a new language, getting comfortable in a new city, and making new friends is all starting to seem even scarier to me than it did at first. But one of my biggest fears at the moment is of being lonely. It's sinking in how much I already miss my college friends, and how much I'm going to miss my family and friends here at home. This is my last Christmas at home for two years, which is making me extra sentimental. And last but not least, I feel so unqualified for this. The thought of flying internationally by myself freaks me out, so how am I supposed to be sharing the gospel with people I don't know using a language that I don't know? Not to mention, there's people supporting me to do this, and I don't want to let them down.
If I'm being honest, sometimes I wish I had a bit more of a normal life. I wish I had gone to school for a normal major, and gotten married and started my career after graduating. I'm watching all my friends (or at least that's what it feels like haha) get married and have babies, and that's all I really want in life. Don't get me wrong, I am excited to live overseas, and I'm grateful for this opportunity. But at the end of the day, there's a part of me that's worried I'll never fall in love and experience what I'm seeing happen for so many of my friends. Sometimes I feel like the crazy aunt because so many of my friends are starting their careers, getting married, or having kids (or running marathons haha), while I'm over here with my dance degree and a plan to move to a new country.
BUT. Before I begin spiraling, I have to focus my mind on truth. The truth is, God is worthy of laying down my plans and dreams. So what if I'm afraid or sad? There's a nation with 86 MILLION people who do not know Jesus. Is it not worth it for me to give up just two years of my life to allow God to use me in this country? My God is the God who leaves behind the 99 for the 1. He will go to great measures to see the lost become found. So why can't I? Because I'm too afraid of failure or hardship? Because I'm afraid of being lonely?
And also, what if there is something that God wants to teach me amidst the chaos, loneliness, and stress of moving to a new country? After all, the earth is His, and He's a dad who loves His kids. What if He's excited to show me something I haven't seen before, and He's taking me on an adventure unique to me? Who am I to doubt Him. My God is big enough to work through my weaknesses and flaws. Even if I'm afraid to fly internationally, God can use me and give me the words to say to share His love.
I'm trying to remind myself that even if it's hard, I need to trust the Lord with my future. I'm hoping that when I land back in America two years and two months from now, I'll have story after story to tell of God's faithfulness. I'm confident that the words Jesus spoke 2,000 years ago ring true today, and will be true in my own life.
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